Saturday 28th November 2015

Happy birthday Troy! We’re the same age now, for almost a month. I think he had a good day. His birthday present from his mum and dad was money for a movie and a dinner out, so this afternoon we left the boys with them and Troy and I went to see The Hunger Games: Mockingjay pt 2. We both liked it a lot, and had a really nice time together.

The boys had a good time at Steve and Jean’s place. They were roped into picking up sticks throughout the swamp and down the side of the driveway, which they weren’t thrilled about actually. But it’s part of making the property as fire-safe as possible, and the boys didn’t mind too much. They thought it was worth it when they got to light the burning heap, anyway. Lots of rides in the tractor and some computer time and baths and dinner as well, so they all had a good time. Emma was at a sleepover, that’s why she wasn’t there with them.

Nicholai got a wicket at cricket today. That’s his third wicket this season- he’s improved immensely.

Friday 27th November 2015

Troy took the kids to school this morning so I just slept in until 12, which was good. I think I really need to try and remember to take one of my meds earlier in the evening though, because that might be causing me to have such a tough time getting up in the morning.

Anyway, about five minutes after I woke up Troy rang to see if I wanted to go to Officeworks with him so I got dressed and then went off with him. It’s his birthday tomorrow and he liked the look of a little mini tablet that they had there, so we went to look at that.

While we were there I also bought a planner for next year- once again I feel I need to make more effort to be organised. The planner is nice and purple and I bought a nice clicky blue frixion pen to go with it, so hopefully that will inspire me towards greater responsibility. It would be nice. I feel as though I’m constantly getting all flustered and never have any idea what’s going on, as well as forgetting everything. So maybe I can organise my life on paper and write things down and try to have things run a little more smoothly. It’s never worked before, but there’s always a first time.

I also looked at desk chairs, since I need to get one and I thought maybe I would just get it for Christmas but I couldn’t decide and they were all very expensive so I just left that for another day.

I have an appointment with the ECT people on Monday. I don’t know if I’l go or not. I think I’m on the upswing and if so then I don’t need it. I mean, it might be a quicker road back, but I don’t want to take the risks unless I have to. So I will have to see how I go over the weekend and make up my mind on Monday morning. I wish someone else could make the decision.

Thursday 26 November 2015

I had another psychiatrist appointment today. I’m probably their most regular customer at the moment, even the girls on the desk recognise me and are quite solicitous about me.

Anyway, she’s still following up the process for me getting ECT through the public health system. I can pretty much say with certainty that if you want mental health services, you want to have private hospital cover and extras and everything, because it’s all waiting lists and thousands of appointments with different people to get anywhere without it. I think that unfortunately the sort of private insurance that would be good here would require me to sell a child.

I still don’t know what I think about the ECT though, especially as I feel as though I’m moving into a more grey area of needing it. I’m so torn and anxious about what to do. This has been going on so long. I know the thing to do is just follow the process and see where we end up- I can always say no at any point if I start feeling better, and if I don’t feel better then I guess that’s where we are. I am just no good at relaxing about what might happen in my future though, and all the worrying is probably making everything worse.

It’s all complicated by it being an inpatient thing too. This makes it both better and worse on several counts. Better – I get a break from home and won’t have to deal with the kids during it, I’ll only have to think about myself and focus on what’s going on, I won’t be stressing the kids out by being groggy or out of it at home, Troy won’t have to juggle work appointments around appointments for me. Worse – I’ll be away from the kids which will stress them out and worry me, I’ll be away from home and not doing what I do here (limited as this may be, I still do stuff), it’s a time of year with heaps going on, and of course if I’m inpatient this means they’re zapping my brain which still scares the hell out of me. So, you know, pros and cons.

I may be worrying about nothing. I may see this next doctor and they may say that I’m doing okay, I’m functional enough to not meet their criteria and good luck to me. Which would at least solve the problem of me having to be the one to decide I suppose.

At least two things got done this week. Emma had an orthodontist appointment yesterday and he said she’s nearly done with the expander in her mouth. She got it put in just before Christmas last year, so it’s been about a year. I don’t know what we do with her teeth after this though, if she keeps the braces in or what, I guess we’ll find that out as we go along. Her next appointment is booked for January, it’s my first 2016 appointment I’ll have to write in the calendar.

All of the boys got haircuts this afternoon too. Thank goodness, as they were all looking incredibly disreputable and scruffy (as was evidenced rather horribly in the photos I took on Sunday in the city.) Nicholai didn’t get as much cut off as I would have liked, but the other two boys did. They all look so much better, and at least that’s a job that won’t have to be done again until just before they start school next year.

Tuesday 24th November 2015

I felt better today, for a tiny bit. Just like a little moment of sun in an otherwise very endless grey, but at least it’s something.

Troy and I have started working on Christmas. Due to my general apathy and reluctance to leave the house for anything not strictly necessary this is being done mostly online. This does mean we have to pay postage on things, but it also means I can price check and compare, and I don’t get flustered and distracted into buying more than I mean to at the shops. So it will probably turn out financially even in the end. I don’t feel like it’s going to be a huge Christmas, but so far I think we’ve got something good (or ordered, or planned on something good) that the kids will each like. And I suppose over the next few weeks I’ll get the joy of packages being delivered, which is always nice.

The kids are all going well. Nicholai is going to Melbourne uni on Thursday for a maths workshop, which he will probably enjoy. He was one of only a few kids in his class who were asked, so that’s pretty good. Emma had a good time on camp last week and is busy just being Emma- spending a lot of time listening to her music and reading and sitting at her desk doing secret girl things. Jericho has been rebuilding his Lego town since I had the audacity to mess it up while I was sorting out all the bricks. Soren is finally taking to being a fully independent reader, which is awesome. He’s been reading the Zac Power books as well as the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books- he got upset the other day and when I went to check on him he was curled up in a corner of the couch with his book and his sad blanket and it was so cute.

Sunday 22 November 2015

It was our annual trip into the city to see the Myer windows and buy our Christmas ornament for this year. It’s cute now, the kids remember the other years we’ve been in and talk about the windows they’ve seen. It was fun today too, because they were all looking at what they had the year they were born and we were working out roughly how old they would have been the first year we took them in. Amusingly it went from 18 days old (Emma’s first year, I remember specifically how old she was because so many people asked me how new my tiny baby was) to Soren being nearly a year old. With the ages our kids are now we’ve probably only got another year or two before they won’t write Christmas letters and won’t be interested in going in. There are some things about big kids that will kind of suck.



Friday 20 November 2015

I’ve had a few difficult days this week. I’ve just been very sad and hopeless. I spoke to the psychiatrist on Wednesday, as we’d arranged, and she said that we’ve reached the point where her recommendation is to try ECT. She said she’d find out the process for it, and we’d talk about it at my appointment on Thursday. I took Troy with me to this appointment, so that he could remember all the things that I was likely to forget.

Anyway, like anything involving the health system, it’s apparently designed so that no one will ever actually be able to access it. It’s not enough for my doctor to recommend, I have to then get involved in some community team where I will have to see another psychiatrist who will/ won’t agree with my doctor. Then there will be things with the hospital before we go ahead with it. It’s frustrating that this thing we’d be using both because I’m desperate enough to try it even though it scares me, and because it’s quick, is more trouble and more time. In the meantime it’s just med readjustment and general despair.

Anyway, Emma had a good week at camp. I think she was tired enough to be very glad she was at home this afternoon, but she said it was okay and she told me a few stories about it, so she was happy to talk about it. I missed her- it was really good to see her again tonight.

Tuesday 17th November 2015

Jericho told me off yesterday. He was reading through the UFC program and laughing at all the fighter nicknames (his favourite is “The Sneaky Weasel”) and then he said that he has told his friend Oscar about it, and he wants to come to our house to see the program. Without thinking I said, “Oh, you can take that to school and show him if you want.” Jericho just gave me a very stern look and said, “Do you really think the school would approve of this?”