Friday 11 August 2017

I continued my quest for the perfect bra today and ugh. I did not think I could be more unhappy with my body than I already was, but going to Myer and having the sweet but clueless bra fitting girl eventually say, “Um, I don’t think we have what you need,” took any remaining bit of self esteem I had and shrivelled it up to dust.

Surprisingly I managed to not cry, and instead reasoned that since I already felt so low it couldn’t get any worse and so I went straight to Bras N Things. The girl there was kind and efficient and very helpful – I left with one bra and a bra extender, which seems to fit reasonably well. It also cost $70, so I will now have to take that size and head off to somewhere cheaper and get a couple more. But yeah, overall…shit.

I was tired today too – my happiness at having Troy back home lasted only until we went to bed and he went to sleep and started snoring. Seriously loud snoring that rolling him over did not stop, and which made it impossible to fall asleep. Eventually I gave up and came out to the lounge room and watched House Hunters International (they were moving to Australia!) until I fell asleep on the couch. So I’m very tired now, and I hope that I fall asleep before Troy does tonight! Although I have a cold, so perhaps that means I will be the one snoring and keeping him awake?

Emma and Jericho’s hockey is at 8.15 tomorrow morning. That’s so early, and it’s going to be SO COLD. It’s funny though, I forgot to say last time they played, but the uniform shirts for this team have collars and when Jericho was given one last week and put it on he said to me in very impressed tones, “We’re playing formal hockey here.”

Thursday 10 August 2017

I slept on my new sheets last night and they were so nice I’m quite tempted to go and spend the rest of my birthday money on a second set so that I can always rest in luxury.

I went shopping this morning, to buy new bras. I even measured myself so that they would fit, but I’m not convinced that it’s right – it fits right when I am standing there, but feels a bit weird when I’m moving around and the underwire feels a bit pokey in my armpit. I don’t know, basically the whole experience made me unhappy.

While I was shopping I also went and looked at picture frames, as we’re planning on doing something decorative to the wall in Troy’s office. I decided to buy some but they were on a high shelf and after I’d lifted down the three I wanted, another one fell off the shelf and hit me in the head and then the arm as it fell to the floor! It actually hurt quite a lot, and although the person behind the counter came over to help me, he was also not doing a very good job of not laughing. Seriously, why do these things always seem to happen to me?

I also bought Troy new underwear, because my life is super exciting like that.

Not too much else going on today. The kids are all cruising along, which is nice. Emma and Jericho had hockey training tonight, so I was in and out with that. They’ve been given loaner shirts to wear to the games for the rest of the season (which is only a few more weeks I think) since everyone has personalised shirts and they only order once a season.

Troy got back tonight at about 7.45, which is good. It’s better when he’s home. Even Jericho commented today when he got home from school that it feels weird to not have Troy in his office.

Wednesday 9 August 2017

Teenagers who think they are the ultimate arbiter of what is cool and worthy of praise and what is not are going to be the death of me.

All my children seem to be doing a bit of a number on my self esteem at the moment. I mean, when we got home after walking from school Jericho told me, “Your hair is all frizzed up and you look like a crazy person!” Um…thanks? He also said my singing was his ‘bad thing’ at tea yesterday, so you can guess who is not currently my favourite!

Although Nicholai just appears to think I’m deeply remedial and in need of his wisdom and guidance- he managed to be both pompous AND condescending yesterday as he informed me that I have to update my voting enrolment details so that I can vote in this (possibly?) upcoming plebiscite on gay marriage. Sometimes I just want to smack him upside the head and remind him that all these issues existed and I was aware of them even before he was born, so stop acting like the world should begin and end with his opinions!

Yeah, yeah, don’t take it personally…I need to get this tattooed across the back of my hand, so that I can see it five hundred times a day and remind myself.

Alyssa is back in Indonesia and I’ve been reading all her diaries and looking at all her photos and feeling all kinds of sad that I’m not there. And then I’m also thinking about how hard and scary I find travelling and wishing I was different. Wishing I was different in a lot of ways at the moment, and just feeling all tangled up and messy.

At least I was mildly helpful to someone today, by going to the dentist with Benita and holding Alby for her while she got her teeth done. Although really it was like a treat for me, because he’s so teeny and sweet and new that holding him is hardly a chore. He was awake the whole time, so he just lay in my arms or on my lap and looked around and made crazy faces- I love the way newborns don’t even know how to move their facial muscles and so they’re always just making random weird expressions.

I came home and cleaned up and vacuumed and washed and dried laundry. I am SO SICK of laundry right now- I basically do two loads a day, or more if there are sheets and towels. I was looking at the Harvey Norman catalogue yesterday because we have to get a new clothes dryer, but I kept being distracted by overwhelming desires to get a new 10kg washing machine to go with it. Maybe if Troy just keeps driving his shitty car we could afford one?


My cute little buddy this morning.


Tuesday 8th August 2017

Luna and I walked for about 6km this morning, according to Pokemon Go. I felt so virtuous.

I really like walking around here. I love checking out all the houses and gardens (cough*and occasionally inside a front room when they don’t have curtains*cough) and seeing all the quirky little details people have for their homes. There’s always something to look at.

The neck of the dog sweater continued to grow to a ridiculous degree during this walk, so I had to fix it. I bought some wide elastic and stitched it together into a loop and then folded the ribbed neck of the dog jumper over it and stitched it closed. It looks so much better! It also seems to really fit well, so making an elastic neckband might be part of future knitted sweaters.

I went to Spotlight to buy the elastic, which was the first time I have been to the Ballarat Spotlight. It’s a lot more cramped and crowded than the one I used to shop at, but they’re packing a lot of merchandise into a space that’s not all that big. I love Spotlight- I went to buy elastic, but of course it took ages because I had to look at everything else! I spent some of my birthday gift card on a set of expensive sheets- they are going to be such a treat, I love good sheets. They were also reduced by $100, so I can’t complain about that.

Monday 7 August 2017

Troy and I are watching the Handmaid’s Tale. I know that I’ve read the book, but I don’t remember a great deal of the plot so this visual version is certainly making an impression. It’s all so bleak and disturbing.

Luna had a haircut today. I took her to Petstock, and since we didn’t think it would take that long Troy came with me. We dropped her off and then went to the closest supermarket, which was Maxi Foods (an upscale IGA I guess) and bought some lunch, then ate it and took a walk. Being able to take his lunch hour together is something I do enjoy about having Troy work at home. However they were running badly behind at the grooming, and so in the end we just came home and waited for them to call and say that Luna was ready.

She’s clipped super short, which makes her fur feel velvety soft. I think she looks cuter with fluffy hair, but I love petting her when she’s freshly washed and clipped. She wore her new knitted sweater too, since it was such a bloody cold day, and it fits pretty well. The neck is too big, so I may run a line of elastic through it, but I will definitely cast on fewer stitches next time I knit one.

It rained while we were walking home from school, and it was SO cold. It’s like just having ice thrown at your face. Generally speaking Ballarat is only a couple of degrees colder than Yarra Glen, but I have been a little surprised at how much difference those couple of degrees make. I am definitely appreciating the cosiness of my Uggs, and those Costco hoodies I bought just before we moved were a very wise investment.

Sunday 6 August 2017

Omg, the money. The money! Children are SO expensive, and their ‘free’ education is anything but. Today I really question my judgement in having four children and being a single-income family!

Ugh, the question of working is plaguing me, and has been ever since we moved. Everyone asks, and I just do not know what to say. Even just thinking about it now is giving me a stomachache.

I went through all the notices on the bench tonight, to sign and pay and file, and there were a lot of ‘pay’ things for the kids and school. It’s difficult because I really want them to have a lot of good experiences with school, but all the extras cost money.

Although, now that I actually think about it, Nicholai has only three and a half more years of school that we have to pay for. Three and a half more years, that’s nothing! Four and a half more years for Emma! Omg, my kids are getting so old and it just freaks me out. I mean, that won’t be the end of it, they will probably go to uni and we will have to help with that, but they might turn around and get a job, who knows.

Today was okay. Nicholai caught the train down to Melbourne, to go to Royal Park to watch the International Cup. This is teams from overseas playing Aussie Rules football against each other- it’s kind of surprising how many countries actually field a team. I’m really pleased with his growing independence, he found out the train timetables and got there, spent the day, and then came back without any trouble at all.

The rest of us stayed home. Troy played Monopoly with the other kids all morning, which I found unbearable – Jericho is so negative about everything and listening to him go on was driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do with him- what do you do with a child whose mindset is so negative all the time? He always expects the worst and looks for it, so of course he finds it. Any obstacle in his path is an insurmountable, and he flies off the handle at the slightest provocation. It’s such a difficult situation, because while he needs to change his behaviour, it all stems from his mindset and changing that is so damn hard- it’s hard for an adult, let alone a child. His anxiety, his catastrophising, his emotional volatility…it all makes for a child who is quite frequently unhappy, and I wish I could help him find his way to an easier mindset.

And I am very aware that in describing Jericho I am describing many of my own worst traits…but empathy and insight aren’t helping me to find a way to get through to him.

Troy and I took Jericho and Soren to Subway for lunch, which they loved. Jericho has seen meatball subs on the ads and has wanted to eat one for ages- it lived up to his dreams, apparently.

I started knitting a scarf for Soren today, even though I haven’t finished my socks yet. But when we were at hockey yesterday morning he was wearing a scarf I knitted for him when he was about four, and he’s a lot bigger than he was then! So I decided he needs a longer scarf, and I still have yarn from the mermaid tail blanket left (which has been the yarn that just keeps giving – the mermaid tail blanket, a baby cardigan, a dog sweater and now a scarf). I wanted to do something nice for him- moving has been tough on him, and with Jericho struggling like he was this weekend Soren often ends up bearing the brunt of that. So knitting a special scarf just for him might be a good way of reminding him how much we love him.

Saturday 5th August 2017

Emmanuella and Jericho played their first game at their new hockey club today. They’re playing on the same under 14 team, and although they didn’t win they both enjoyed playing and did pretty well. Jericho was exceptionally good actually, especially considering he’s only just turned eleven; he was right there in the action and did some excellent passing. Emma will have to adjust her play a bit- her last team had a lot of good players and they were really good at playing as a team, which this team doesn’t quite have to the same level yet. She’s going to have to be a bit quicker to push into the action, because she’s got some good skills to make use of.

Troy and I both went to watch and we took Soren with us. We probably had the nicest weather of the day when the game started at 9.15, it was only 5 degrees but it was at least a little bit sunny. The wind picked up in the second half though and that was freezing, I was warm enough in my thermals and coat and hat and scarf, but any bit of skin that wasn’t covered up certainly felt it.

The rest of the day was just lazy at home. It stayed cold outside and it rained later on, so it was a nice day to stay inside. I had a nap – I love naps. Although I really don’t understand how it takes me an hour to fall asleep when I go to bed at night, and about two minutes to fall asleep when I have a nap.