Thursday 18 July 2019

There have been no more eggs from our chickens. I’m more confused than ever – after about five months we suddenly get two eggs, and then nothing?

I went to the doctor yesterday, finally. While this is all very gross and probably more than anyone wants to know, I’ve been having chronic diarrhoea and bloating stomach issues for over a year. While extremely unpleasant and inconvenient I’ve just been living with it because (and I realise how ridiculous this sounds) stomach issues are so unspecific and I couldn’t face the thought of having to go to the doctor and start the process of trying to figure out what the actual problem is. However it’s been getting worse, and when I realised that part of the reason I’m anxious about our holiday is because six hour car rides without immediate access to a toilet is potentially a horrible problem for me, I thought I should probably do something about it. I’ve also been having some pain in my upper right abdomen which might indicate something going on with my liver again (I had been blaming this tenderness on my gall bladder but that’s obviously not the cause now that it’s no longer there) and I thought that I probably shouldn’t continue to ignore that.

Anyway, who knows what the problem is. Stomach issues can be any one of a million different things, and half of them have no specific or easy test to diagnose them anyway. Even the doctor admitted that figuring out what’s going on is likely to just be a process of elimination. So I have given them vials of blood and made an appointment to go back next week and get the results and work out where I go from here.

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Tuesday 16th July 2019

The chickens laid two eggs! I’ve been plotting their deaths, and then today when I went out to feed them I looked in the house just out of habit, and there were TWO EGGS! Their five month long egg laying drought has been broken!

Maybe it was because they spent the weekend pecking around the whole yard instead of being confined to their own smaller yard? The wind blew the gate open and they had a lovely time strolling around the yard and exploring and eating stuff. Of course they also pooped all over the deck, which is the reason that they have never previously been allowed to enjoy the freedom of the big yard, so I’m not sure where to go with this. I don’t want them in the yard and shitting all over my deck, but is that the price I have to pay for eggs???

Sunday 14th July 2019

We drove down to Jean and Steve’s house today. It’s kind of a long day, driving down for lunch and then back again, but it’s not too bad and it was good to go and see them. They’d been over at Nana’s home in the morning and packed up her room, so all her things were in bags and boxes on the dining table. It feels weird to see it like that – at the end of a life, is that what it comes down to? It didn’t seem like enough. Of course this comes after we’ve already moved Nana from her house to the retirement village unit, and then to the single room in the nursing home, so the last few years have already been paring it down to the minimum. I suppose it makes it easier in some ways, that all those practical issues are so simple right now – they will need to arrange the funeral, and that’s mostly it. I mean, Nana does still own a house, but it’s is being rented out and that will just continue because Jean and Steve plan to live there eventually so no need to organise a sale or anything. And Jean’s the only child, so while that means she has to do everything it also means that she can just go ahead and do it.

Weirdly that’s perhaps the thing that I have found the most disturbing about the whole thing, the idea that Jean is the only one left. He siblings died as children, her parents are now both gone and so she doesn’t have anyone else who was part of her story from the start. Like, she’s not alone at all, obviously her husband and kids and twelve grandchildren and her cousins are still around, but it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t know why it bothers me. There’s Nana’s sister too, who is still alive and is now the last one left, and I think that in some ways that would be a hard place to be. Maybe it’s just the idea of there being no people left who knew you when you were just you?

I got a bit of knitting on my cardigan done today though, which was great! It’s been too cold to knit at basketball for the past few weeks so it’s been completely stalled, but I knitted in the car both directions today and did a few rows while I was there. I’m working on the back of the cardigan and the rows are really wide so this doesn’t mean there was loads of visible progress, but every little bit helps I guess. And I’ve done enough that I was able to rest the weight of it on my lap instead of having it all hanging off the needles which meant that it doesn’t hurt my hands as much when I’m working on it.

The kids all go back to school tomorrow. Soren’s looking forward to it, Jericho’s dreading it, Nicholai and Emma are somewhere in between.

Saturday 13 July 2019

Great-Nana died last night. Jean called this morning to let us know. It wasn’t expected in that she wasn’t sick, but she was also 92 years old so it wasn’t exactly UNexpected either. It’s an odd feeling really – it’s always sad when someone dies, but at the same time when that person has lived for over ninety years and outlived her spouse, children, family and friends…I don’t know. I don’t think Nana would have minded that it was time.

Thursday 11 July 2019

Nicholai had some friends over tonight. They had fish and chips for tea and hung around outside around the fire pit – it looked quite good actually. He was also lucky with the weather in the end. It’s freezing cold, but after raining most of last night and nearly all day today at least it cleared up and no one got wet.

I’m glad Nicholai at least arranged a fun activity for himself. These haven’t been the most exciting of school holidays for the children. Me being at work makes it difficult actually – I can’t do anything when on days when I work, and there are a lot of things that have to be done on the two days when I don’t. So organising fun activities kind of falls off the priority list. I took them to the Mill Market on Tuesday (which was fun – we bought a couple of dvds and had fun finding every single weird and interesting item they had for sale there) but we had to do grocery shopping and I had to do all the housework that I didn’t do last week because we were at mum and dad’s place. Emma had a psychiatrist appointment smack in the middle of the other day, which was hard to work anything else in around. But Nicholai had his friends over tonight, and Jericho had Naomi over and went to a different friend’s house another day, and Soren had his basketball, so it’s not all hopeless. And we did go to Hamilton last week.

I suppose I just have to comfort myself with the idea that next school holidays we’ll actually be going on holidays, so it will be full of activities! Although we didn’t realise when we planned this holiday that we were going to Uluru right before the climb is closed (no one will be allowed to climb after October, we will be there in the last week of September/ first week of October) Apparently there has been a marked increase in tourist numbers as people rush to go while they can still do it –literal queues of people on the climb up the rock. Madness.

Monday 8 July 2019

I hate my job. If I worked for anyone in the world except Troy, I would have quit. I cry practically every single day, and I spend the whole time I’m at work feeling sick with anxiety because I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m just waiting for the inevitable disaster. But I can’t let Troy down and we need the money and I feel so stuck.

Of course the flipside of this is that if I worked for anyone else in the world except Troy I would not have to quit, because I would have been fired for complete and utter incompetence. I can’t do this job. I don’t understand anything, I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m not getting any better at it.

It’s not for lack of trying. I’m trying really hard to figure it all out – I’m doing it over and over again and asking questions and watching what Troy does and asking more questions and it just doesn’t seem to be sticking. I hate feeling so stupid. I hate feeling so helpless to make this situation any better.

 

I wrote that earlier. Today was a bad day –it was like my whole day felt like just slapped in the face with how useless I am at every single part of what is supposed to be my job. I cried a lot. But honestly, what can I do about it? Unless (until? It would be deserved) Troy sacks me I am just going to have to keep bashing away at it. And he’s not going to fire me – he’s consistently encouraging about me improving and getting better. And I can do tax returns now without having to ask questions generally. So you know, I suppose that’s one thing. Only three million other things to try and get my head around.

 

Sunday 7 July 2019

Holidays are half over. We had fun at Mum and Dad’s place, but it’s been kind of quiet since we got back. I worked Thursday and Friday. Troy drove down to the office Friday afternoon and stayed over so he could do computer installs and rollovers and updates, or whatever it is that he has to do at the beginning of a new financial year.

Soren played half time basketball last night at the Ballarat Miners vs Hobart Huskies game. The Phoenix under 12s were asked, so they were able to go and watch the actual game for free and play in the break. Troy said they got about eight minutes of game time. I wasn’t sure how Soren would go, as the game started at 8pm and he usually puts himself to bed at around 7.30pm, but he had fun played and enjoyed watching enough that he stayed for the whole time.

He’s not having the best school holidays since we came home. The older ones just spend all day glued to their phones and computers, and he’s at a bit of a loss. He keeps coming in and talking to us while we work – honestly, it’s the first time I’ve felt really guilty about working instead of being free for the kids. Soren was even so bored that he was inspired (?) to write a haiku about it on my work whiteboard. He really does make me laugh sometimes.

A kid was very bored
He was also annoyed
Holidays are long.

But since i never take any photos anymore, and my kids were once small and super cute, here are some photos from this day in 2013.

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