Wednesday 21 March 2018

I’m watching Married at First Sight with Troy and Emma and Jericho – it’s the kind of show that you definitely want to watch with other people! Some of these people are so crazy!

It’s funny, I always think these things are just fun, junky reality tv, but I have had so many good conversations with the kids about relationships stemming from this. There’s a lot of talk that can arise out of an admonishment to “never behave like that dude!”

It’s one of the best things about the kids getting older. Being able to really talk to them, to explain how I think about something and have them tell me their thoughts, is so interesting and special. I miss baby snuggles, but I love this emerging adulthood in a way that I didn’t really expect.

I bought some mulch today and spread it out over another section of garden in the backyard. I probably still need another ten bags or so, but I want to get the trellis up before I do that area and we need to redo the garden edging to keep the mulch in before we lay it out in the rest of the space.



Monday 19 March 2018

Well, I was hoping the dvd player might revive, but its death has proven to be permanent. We had a power flick yesterday afternoon, and I guess that killed it. It’s amazing how cheap a new dvd player is though! I still remember that for our wedding, Troy’s friends chipped in and bought us a dvd player, a basic one of which was so expensive at the time that Troy’s friend Dale’s parents actually had to chip in the major portion of funds and they weren’t even invited to our wedding.

Amusingly, I also remember going out and spending a giftcard buying a couple of dvds to watch in our new dvd player- my choice of movie that I wanted to own was The Sound of Music, and Troy picked Toy Story. And we thought we were mature enough to get married?

Nicholai and Emmanuella had a day off school today. Apart from a brief interval at lunchtime they seriously may as well have not even been in the house for all I heard or saw them.

I did a lot of writing, and also a bit of knitting – I am feeling both lazy and yet creatively productive recently.

I finished a little hat to go with the little boy cardigan I knitted for Eamon and Carlee’s baby, if it should happen to be a boy. The hat has a pompom and is adorable. Actually, the whole set is pretty cute and I made it out of yarn and buttons I already had, so it’s another tiny step to cutting down the amount of yarn I have on hand and I’m happy about that.

Sunday 18 March 2018

I slept in today, which I think I really needed. I felt a lot more balanced than yesterday, which was a really rough day emotionally. I don’t know, it was the first day since all the withdrawal symptoms have basically stopped that I thought that maybe coming off the meds was a mistake.

I keep telling myself that it’s not an irreversible decision. I can give myself some time to adjust (and I think I should do that) but if I start falling I can go to the doctor anytime and start the whole regime again. I just feel so unsure of myself- I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

Our dvd player appears to have just died, which is extremely disappointing. Troy and I were all set to watch Seinfeld, but now I’m stuck watching whatever is on tv – which is apparently Pacific Rim and Mad Max, so aren’t I in for a treat???

Nicholai went to his cricket presentation night tonight. It was just at the clubrooms, so he walked over. To be honest I was surprised he wanted to go, considering how low he seemed to be feeling about cricket and his team in general by the end of the season. But he’s part of the club, it was only $5 and gave him pizza for tea, and he does try and participate in things. He said when he came home that he hadn’t had fun though- it was loud and he didn’t really know many people there. He won an award though! He got the coach’s trophy, although hilariously he was mildly disappointed because he got a trophy instead of the movie vouchers that everyone who didn’t win something got!

Saturday 17 March 2018

We just came back from White Nights Ballarat. It was so pretty and amazing! There are art things all over the place, but we pretty much stayed in the main street for the lights and images that were projected onto the buildings, and the random things in the street. It was perfect warm weather for being out at night, and the place was packed.

I could have stayed longer, but frankly we were already pushing the limits of the children. Soren hadn’t wanted to go at all – it started at 7 but obviously it didn’t really look like anything much until it got dark, so we didn’t even leave home until 7.30. So he was tired before we even got there and everything was a struggle for him. It was too much for Nicholai too, just too much noise and lights and people, so although he was impressed by it all he really wanted to leave. Jericho is just eleven and not wildly interested in anything. Emma invited a friend to come with her, and the two of them seemed to enjoy themselves.

It was a pretty busy day all round really. We all went shopping in the morning for birthday presents/ shoes/ groceries/ blank cds. Then we came home and Troy dug up blackberries while the children and I moved rocks (small ones this time) from one place in the garden to a pile in a different place. Nicholai had a friend over after lunch as well, so it was a bit of back and forth. Tomorrow will probably involve more yard work, depending on the weather. Soren has a birthday party to go to and once I drop him off I’m going to pick up Naomi to come and play with Jericho for a while.











Friday 16 March 2018

I really feel like nothing much happened today. I got up early to do exercise with Troy, which may have been a mistake – I already felt exhausted when I got up and never really managed to shake it off. Perhaps he’ll have to do the early morning exercise routine and I can sleep for another hour and do it later?

I did get quite a bit of knitting done. I’m taking a brief break from the blanket to knit a baby cardigan for Eamon and Carlee’s baby, since it’s due in a month and I didn’t know if I’d get the blanket done in time. This way I’ll have a cardigan in purple/pink and a cardigan in blues/green/grey ready to go, and we’ll just see on the blanket (which is yellow). Whatever I don’t gift will just go into my box of charity knitting and find a home that way. Anyway, I knit the cardigans from the top down and than go back and knit the sleeves in the round, and I’m doing the second sleeve now. It’s at that awkward point to knit where I have two circular needles, the ball of yarn, the finished sleeve and two fronts, and the ends that need to be weaved in all kind of dangling around while I’m doing it…it’s all baby sized but it’s still kind of in the way and making things difficult!

I also got depressed because the psoriasis on my nails is so disgusting, and there’s practically nothing that can be done about it. I am just stuck with feet that I have to cover with socks 24 hours a day because I can’t stand them. Although I think I probably have to talk to the doctor about psoriasis in general at my next appointment because the nail thing is getting worse and the arthritis (which may or may not be psoriatic arthritis, but currently seems more likely that it is) is troubling me more than usual, and now there is now a patch of scaly skin on my elbow that looks like the most common form of psoriasis, which…what the fuck? I’ve never had a skin problem there! Why is this happening NOW? This is why I just truly can’t stand myself – there is always something wrong with me! I mean, can’t I ever just have five minutes where I am not being plagued by some weird symptom of something? Ugh.

Thursday 15 March 2018

I felt like a lunatic today, my emotions were just so scattered and chaotic. I don’t even know what was going on, it wasn’t like there was anything in particular happening. I don’t know, I haven’t been sleeping well so perhaps it was just because I was so tired.

I made an attempt at digging up what’s left of the blackberries today, but it was a pretty dismal failure. Basically I hurt myself quite a lot, and achieved remarkably little. They’re horrible things to pull out of the ground at the best of times, and given that here all the roots are hopelessly entangled in weed matting or buried under an immovable rock, I’m not even working with the best of times.

So Troy will have to do it. He said he would, but he hasn’t yet and basically I would rather do something myself than nag him about it if I can. However my efforts today have demonstrated pretty clearly that I CAN’T do this one, so nagging until it gets done it will have to be.

Although I did one other job today that I’ve been leaving for Troy – when I chopped/pulled down the creeper on the deck it pulled the electricity cord going to the outside lights down so today I had to nail in little plastic clips to lift the cord and hold it against the deck supports rather than just hanging down. It was one of those jobs that isn’t even hard – it only needs a ladder a hammer – so it was silly for me to leave it to Troy when I could do it just as easily.

All of this might make it sound like I’m annoyed at Troy, and I’m really not. Mostly I just feel bad that I keep filling up his limited free time with horrible jobs like moving rocks and digging up blackberries! Since I have way more time I wanted to try and help him out – it’s just so frustrating to not be able to do things I want to.