Tuesday, 14 May 2024

My day off today just felt like a bit of back and forth. I went to the supermarket, then I had an appointment, then Soren had an appointment, then Ashley had work. Apart from that it was mostly just chores, and doing a little bit of knitting, and wasting time on the computer. Same old, same old.

I talked with the psych today about changing my medication. It’s just been way too long feeling really flat. I’m not sad, but there is a lot of blankness, and things that should make me happy don’t really make me feel much of anything. It’s hard because there are very real factors that cause a lot of stress in this family, things that I just have to accept and live with and can’t really do anything about, but that’s been the case for a long time now (and will be for a long time yet) and I can’t wait to see if I feel better when those things are less of an issue. I have to try and see if I can make myself feel better now. Anyway, he suggested I swap the mirtazapine for something new (that I can’t currently remember the name of it) so I’ll give that a try. This will involve weaning off one and building up to the other so it’s not a quick process by any means, but I’ll just have to wait and see and hope it does something.

Wednesday 14 February 2024

Happy Valentines Day. Troy and I bought each other the same chocolates – what can I say, we know what we like. Actually it was pretty funny because we’re not huge celebrators of holidays and quite often do nothing, so both of us doing something and it being the same was a little amusing. He also got to give them to me early because after a big storm yesterday there was no power at the office so he drove home and was here before 11am instead of the usual 7.30pm. He did learn that the power came on not that long after he left, but by then he was committed to coming home. So he did work at home today and any office jobs will just have to wait for next week.

I’m a bit tired today anyway, after a stressful day yesterday and then some unexpected guests. The weather was terrible yesterday, hot and windy and then storms, which is just perfect bushfire weather – not a situation I cope with particularly well. It enrages me because it feels so stupid – I feel so stupid! The fires were fifteen years ago and no one in our family died and there wasn’t even any significant loss of property and yet here I am, still suffering the after effects. I mean, that’s ptsd, it can’t always be cured and obviously this is far better than it used to be (I’m completely functional even on those stressed out days) but it’s still kind of shit. And just feels so…like I should be over it. Soren’s a head taller than me, but I have a day like that and it’s like I can still see him in my arms, struggling to breathe in the smoke while I wondered if Troy and his parents were even still alive out in the yard. Even though now I live in total suburbia and obviously am at no risk whatsoever!

The same can’t be said for Benita and Cam though, and yesterday evening there was a fire out near their place. While the location of it and the wind and everything made anything reaching their house very unlikely, it’s still not the sort of thing you want to leave to chance. Not when you don’t have to, when we’ve got more than enough room for all of them to come and be safe. So they arrived around 8.30, which was all a bit chaotic but still worked out well. Cam took the spare room with Sullivan and Dempsey and Max the dog, and Benita took the front room with Winnie and Alby. The guinea pigs stayed out on the deck and the cat spent the night locked in the laundry, and there were really no problems with any of it. Probably stressful and not great sleep for their family, but I felt good that they were here and it was nice to visit with Benita even for just a little while before we all went to bed.

Even Luna behaved herself nicely – Max is so old and blind and deaf that he doesn’t want to play, so that pretty much makes him Luna’s ideal dog companion. She was also quite happy to tuck herself into bed beside Alby when Benita made him go and lie down, I think she thought she had it made if she wasn’t going in her crate for the night. She was probably quite disappointed when I called her out later. Nemesis made himself rather scarce, as he doesn’t approve of strangers in his house, but I think he’ll forgive us.

I had a psychiatrist appointment today. Just the usual stuff, I ramble on and cry and he tells me I’m not crazy and writes me out more prescriptions. ‘It’s not my fault, and it’s not my responsibility’ are the watchwords I have been trying to make myself believe, and he agrees that I need to internalise this! So I guess we shall see.

Although the referral had been stuffed up – I went and saw the GP last Tuesday and she emailed it straight to him while I was sitting there right beside her, and yet despite this they didn’t have it! Since I actually did have a referral done and knew the doctor’s name they were able to enter one on their system so I could have the medicare rebate, but I had to go and call the clinic and get them to resend this. Of course all this happening right after the appointment when I’m feeling quite fraught means I cried both in front of the receptionists at the psych clinic AND on the phone to the receptionist at the GP. Honestly too over the whole situation to even feel embarrassed – they’ve seen it all before and everyone was quite apologetic and everything got sorted. Now I have another twelve months before I have to organise another referral and go through the whole caper again…how on earth can sending an email directly not work?!?!?!? How can the ‘systems’ not be compatible?!?!?

Gratitude

• Troy (really, I can’t say this enough)
• Chocolate
• That we have the space in this house to be a fire refuge without it being a complicated operation.

Thursday 8 February 2024

Soren had his first music performance for the year last night, at the Year 7 music information night. I had to take him so I stayed to listen to him play, then I sat out in the car and read while he (as the only flute player there) answered questions and tried to sell flute playing as the way to go to all the year 7s and their parents. Honestly though, as a parent I’d recommend it too – flutes sound delightful (and are not too loud!) while they’re being practised at home, they’re on the more affordable end of the musical instrument scale (handy when you have to buy one because they can no longer hire as a senior student), and they’re lightweight and extremely transportable so the child won’t moan about having to carry it to and from school. (I also must admit that all these benefits of flutes as the instrument of choice come mainly in comparison to the saxophone, which is what Jericho played – he gave it up in year 9, fortunately before we had to pay $2k for one of his own!)

I made some candles today. Used up all the wicks I had and emptied three bottles of the scent mixes I use, so I’ll have to do some shopping before I make any more. Not that it will be needed for a while – four new candles will last a pretty long time, it’s not like I use them all the time. I just like having the house smell nice occasionally.

I also did some work in the garden. It’s at a pretty good place in terms of maintenance not being terribly onerous, but there’s still things that need to be done. I chopped back the wisteria (that’s the most time consuming job in the whole yard, it needs to be done basically every fortnight) and chopped back succulents from the side yard that had started to overrun the pathway or their neighbour plants. It didn’t take too long, but it’s one of those satisfying job that makes a visual difference so you get to feel like you’ve done something. Unlike the other garden job I’m constantly doing – trying to keep the bugs and sooty mould off the lemon tree – which takes much longer and if it works looks like you’ve done nothing.

Probably why I love knitting – I’ve been working on Soren’s beanie for a few days and I have half a hat done. Knitting just shows results!

Finally got myself organised to go to the doctor and get the referral done for the psychiatrist. It’s so pointless that they make you do that every year when it’s an ongoing thing like that, it just feels like such a waste of my time and the GPs time. And it’s not like doctors here don’t have an enormous backlog of genuine patients who need to see them, so writing out a referral that the psych won’t even read (I’ve been seeing him for something like five years – he knows what’s going on!) really is time that could be better spent. However it must be done so I went and did it, and at least she was able to write it and email it while I was right there so that was convenient. While I was there I asked about bloodwork, just to check on things since it’s been a while, so she did the pathology slip so I could get that done too. Hopefully nothing shows up on, but I guess I’ll have to see.

Gratitude

• Reading in the hammock chair
• The beautiful sunshiny but not too hot weather we’ve been having
• Tomorrow is Friday, and while this does mean I have to go to work it also means random chocolate drawing, pizza and movie night

Wednesday, 18 October 2023

I’ve put together the spare room over the past two days– I constructed a bed, freed a compacted mattress from a box, washed the bedding and made up the bed, dragged in a sofa table and cleaned it, then washed and blocked a doily to arrange on the top with my artwork vase.

It took the dog about five hours to discover this new cosy bed as a place she could sleep. This was hardly an unexpected development, so I actually bought a fleece blanket that covers the whole bed, so that she can sleep on it without making all the bedding smell like dog.

The room looks all right. Kind of bare though – I hung up the group wedding photo that Jean gave us when they moved (they didn’t have enough walls for all their things) but I want to replace this with something else. I think a giant wedding picture over the spare room bed looks kind of weird to be honest. Although I have to say, does the room look bare because it is, or because I’m so used to it looking like a chaotically decorated festival with the twenty five metres of flags Ashley had crisscrossing the ceiling? I also think it needs a rug; all our carpet is shit (apart from the hallway and Soren’s room, replaced by insurance because of the bathroom leak) but I guess you just didn’t really notice how bad it was in this room because Ashley always had so much crap over the floor. Now that there’s nothing in there besides a bed and a table, it’s a lot more obvious.

Apart from housework, I’ve had two appointments this week. The dermatologist on Monday, which was very quick – situation with my nails has improved, and I don’t have to go back. The psoriasis is still there, but it’s not that bad so potentially I might be able to wear my birkenstocks again this summer or some other shoe that doesn’t completely cover my toes which I haven’t done in years. Amazing.

I also went to the psychiatrist, which was somewhat dismal – mostly I cried, which I haven’t done for quite a long time. Still, just have to keep on keeping on, not much other option really. Troy had his respiratory doctor on Monday and has to do a twenty four hour blood pressure monitor thing tomorrow, so it’s just been appointments all round.

I ran into Elijah at the supermarket today. It just felt so weird to see them incidentally! But it was good to have a bit of a chat and see that they’re doing all right. I’m trying to text them a bit too, we’ve certainly not been in the habit of doing so when they lived at home but I just want to keep connected.

Wednesday 5 April 2023

Soren was supposed to have a debate tonight, but it was cancelled at the last minute. He was quite disappointed. Apparently they couldn’t find an adjudicator, which I suppose means the one they had lined up got sick or something. Hopefully they’ll be able to reschedule and he’ll get to have a go at another time.

I’ve had a very quiet two days at home while Troy was at the office this week. I actually worked on Monday, since I have to take Ashley to an appointment on Thursday, so I have tomorrow off too. Although I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday so I had to go to that, but that was less time away than having to drive to Creswick with Ashley. Anyway, my appointment was fine – probably kind of weird to have regular psychiatry appointments whose main function seems to be him reassuring me that I’m not actually crazy, but here we are. I don’t know. It’s a weird phase of life we’re in I guess, where nothing much happens and yet I feel very weighed down by everything anyway. And the hardest part of it is there is nothing I can do about it but just watch and wait and worry. I don’t have the power to change anything.

Anyway, I do try to just get on with things. The weather has been lovely this week, so I spent a bit of time lying out on the deck in the sun reading the Flambards books – I have read over fifty books so far this year but it’s mostly just kids’ books, I am definitely regressing to childhood. But Flambards is so good – I must have borrowed it from the school library a million times. I just bought a new copy this week though, as the one I had was pretty much a collection of loose pages in a mostly detached cover. Op shops pretty much never have the kids’ books I want now (unsurprising, given that something like Flambards is now potentially over fifty years old) so I really do appreciate being able to dig them up online. Paying postage for books always sucks, but it does mean you can always add an extra book or two without it increasing to make it seem more worthwhile.

Tuesday 26 October 2021

It was such a lovely sunny day today. I am not a summer person and I do not like the hot weather, but spring has been taking its time this year and today I definitely appreciated finally having some sun. It even inspired me to go outside and do some gardening, even though that is the worst job. I don’t like it, and you do it for an hour and completely fill the green waste bin and yet no one will be able to really tell that I did anything at all.

Troy and I also took Luna to the dog park, which was a much more pleasant time in the sun.

I had my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. It was fine, it’s all pretty much just a basic check in at the moment. He’s ordered blood tests since it’s been a while, so I’ll have to do those. My referral had also expired so I have to make an appointment with the GP to get a new one. It would be good if they have access to the blood test results actually – isn’t that what the whole My Health Record thing was supposed to be about? I never opted out, so maybe it will all be there, who knows.

He noted my weight loss too. From him it’s all just part of the medical/psych side of things, as of course weight gain/loss are both symptoms as much as anything. It’s weird though, I do feel awkward about it when people comment on it. Part of me wants them to, because this was a really fucking hard thing to do! But it also makes me self conscious, and then I wonder if everyone was just thinking terrible things about how fat I was before and I get all stressed about it, and about still being overweight and it all just goes round in circles. So who knows.

Although this is going to be my last week on Light and Easy. I am actually very ambivalent about this – I’m so scared that all the effort will be for nothing and the weight will all just pile back on, and I’m anxious about my ability to keep up the good habits from it. But I’m also looking forward to just eating the same things as the rest of the family, and being able to eat some of Emma’s Baker’s Delight bread! Ultimately it’s a pretty expensive way of going about things and I’ve been doing it for a long time, I’m passed the ‘realistic’ goal I had and have reached the ‘would be great but I don’t think I’ll get there’ goal, and I think it’s time to try and continue working on the next goal on my own. I’m doing a LOT of hours on the exercise bike, and if I keep doing that and walking the dog etc hopefully it won’t go too badly. Besides, I can always go back on it in the future if I feel it would be helpful.

Jericho is putting his resume together, as he wants to get a job at the cinema that was advertised at school. Well, he really just wants money to buy himself all the very expensive electronics and gaming chairs that he feels would enhance his life, but at least he’s got some motivation! It would be great if he gets it (they’re taking on a few for casual work), but if not at least his resume will be organised and he can go and look for something else.

I’m still going through all my photos. I’m only up to 2011, after starting in 2006 (when I got a digital camera) – this is going to take me forever.

Wednesday, 9 September 2020

After talking about things with the psychiatrist last week, this week I tried to be more mindful about doing things on my days off. I tend to fall into a slump of just being “not at work” and kind of huddling miserably when I’m not doing the necessary chores. Doing anything for myself feels like too much effort, so I don’t do anything and then I get to the end of my days off and feel worse because I wasted all that time and achieved nothing, not even just doing something enjoyable and relaxing. It’s kind of harder at the moment, because of coronavirus. The house is full of other people which impacts what I can do a bit. But I got a new pair of headphones so now I can at least listen to music or connect to my computer and watch something without disturbing anyone else.

So I watched a few episodes of reality tv and made myself knit today. I’ve had a scarf in progress for months, and since it’s not been a very enjoyable knit I have basically ignored it for ages. (And again, coronavirus doesn’t help because we never go anywhere in the car where I would knit!). Made myself do it and finished it today though, so yay for that – it’s going to be donated, but that can’t happen until coronavirus restrictions end as the charity I donate through are not allowed to operate currently. I usually bag stuff up until I have a few things and then drop them off, it’ll just perhaps be a bigger amount this time. The scarf isn’t a really great yarn, I think that’s part of why I didn’t enjoy knitting with it, but it’s a beautiful colour and hopefully it will find a home somewhere. And now I can knit or crochet something I’ll actually enjoy working on – at least once I figure out what that might be.

The kids continue to work (or not) at school at home. They’re all getting things done, but there’s an awful lot of computer gaming and chatting and watching things that aren’t school related. Jericho had to bake bread for science yesterday and that was an ordeal – he did eventually end up with an edible loaf of bread, but he also made an astonishing amount of mess and I don’t think he’s inspired to become a baker.

We had the most dramatic sunset ever yesterday, I took this photo on the way to pick up Nicholai from work.

Tuesday 31 March 2020

Considering that they announced the next stage of coronavirus restrictions today that really do keep up confined to our homes as much as possible, I felt like I spent a lot of today driving around. It was lovely though. It was beautiful weather and it’s turning into autumn, which is my favourite season.

I went grocery shopping this morning and drove down to the shops opposite Bridge Mall so that it would be easy to go to both Coles and Woollies. Turned out to be an excellent choice, as I actually got toilet paper – I was so impressed by the giant stack they had that I took a photo and sent to Troy and told him it was like a mirage. Between the two supermarkets the only thing on my list I was unable to get was plain flour, so that was an improvement on recent times.

I had a psychiatrist appointment in the afternoon, so I went out again for that. It was all right, I just kept rambling on, I don’t even know what we’re doing. It’s so hard to remember the timeline of all my mental health issues – partly because it’s a bloody long timeline by this point, and also because my memories of the worst times are very unclear. They’re not nice memories, and depression plays havoc with memory anyway, so all that really works against remembering. But he actually got notes from my last psychiatrist today, so maybe that will help put things together. I should probably check this journal too – that might give some clarity. I got a new prescription and made another appointment which will be done via telehealth – I’d rather do this kind of thing face to face, but such are the times we live in.

I had to go out again later to pick up Nicholai from work. He said it was pretty quiet – I guess people have stockpiled the food they need now.

The rest of the day was spent at home, doing nothing much. Our Bunnings order was delivered so we now have six bales of mulch and thirteen rolls of garden edging in our garage waiting to be put into the backyard.

The vet sent us a sympathy card for Ootchy, with a paper with his little inky pawprints – it’s quite sweet really.

Friday 6 March 2020

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone was our Friday night movie today. It was really fun to watch again – it’s one that the kids all watched a million times when they were littler, but haven’t come back to for a while. It’s always interesting to see what they notice now, and talk with them about it on a different level to the way we did when they were younger.

I’m really tired tonight. I had a psychiatrist appointment today, and although it went well it was very stressful. It was the first appointment with this psychiatrist, so there was a lot to go through and it’s always hard to talk about my history with someone new. It needs to be done though. The medication the GP prescribed me back in January is working, I feel much better than I did then, but she was hesitant to prescribe and I probably do need actual psychiatric oversight. So at least going through all this now means I will have someone to see when/if I need it. The appointments are always just exhausting though.

Troy took Emma to the doctor while I was at the psych too, and she got another referral for the psychologist. I was so glad that Troy took her – it just worked out that way because we had to take the appointments when we could get them and mine just happened to coincide, but I always do the appointments and so it was just so nice to have him able to do one. Not that he had to actually DO anything, since Emma just goes in by herself now, but even so!

After deciding on Monday which company we were going to go with for our solar panels, we already have a date for installation. I can’t believe it – when got solar panels in Yarra Glen the whole process took practically a year and absolutely infuriated me. This time everything was arranged in a single day – Troy emailed them on Monday to say we wanted to go ahead with their quote, they did what they needed to do for permits and rebates and emailed back with some things for Troy to fill out, he filled them out and submitted them and then they called back to say everything was approved and we could arrange installation for later this month. It will take them probably only a day to install. We will have to wait for an inspection after that, but when the man was telling us about the process he said that was usually only a couple of weeks, so not long at all. And then we’ll be harvesting all that lovely sunshine! (Or moaning because we’ll probably have an abnormally cold and overcast autumn and winter after this, but I can hope!)

 

 

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