Monday 8 July 2019

I hate my job. If I worked for anyone in the world except Troy, I would have quit. I cry practically every single day, and I spend the whole time I’m at work feeling sick with anxiety because I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m just waiting for the inevitable disaster. But I can’t let Troy down and we need the money and I feel so stuck.

Of course the flipside of this is that if I worked for anyone else in the world except Troy I would not have to quit, because I would have been fired for complete and utter incompetence. I can’t do this job. I don’t understand anything, I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m not getting any better at it.

It’s not for lack of trying. I’m trying really hard to figure it all out – I’m doing it over and over again and asking questions and watching what Troy does and asking more questions and it just doesn’t seem to be sticking. I hate feeling so stupid. I hate feeling so helpless to make this situation any better.

 

I wrote that earlier. Today was a bad day –it was like my whole day felt like just slapped in the face with how useless I am at every single part of what is supposed to be my job. I cried a lot. But honestly, what can I do about it? Unless (until? It would be deserved) Troy sacks me I am just going to have to keep bashing away at it. And he’s not going to fire me – he’s consistently encouraging about me improving and getting better. And I can do tax returns now without having to ask questions generally. So you know, I suppose that’s one thing. Only three million other things to try and get my head around.