Thursday 17 August 2017

Taking my smashed phone to the iphone man might have been a mistake. I DO have a nice, new, non-shattered screen (which sadly shows less saturated colour- everything on my phone looks a bit washed out now), but several times yesterday and today the phone has suddenly gone berserk, opening up multiple apps and dialling messagebank and flicking through screens so fast that I can’t shut anything down without just turning the whole phone off. He does offer a 30 day guarantee (of sorts) so I will take it back to him and see if he can do anything, but I’m basically shit out of luck if he can’t. I only got the phone last November too, so the contract has ages to go. All round it’s not very good.

Today was a day where I felt like I’m not really coping with life all that well. Nothing really happened, but I felt sick and kind of hopeless about a lot of things. There was also way too much driving back and forth but not actually going anywhere – I drove the kids to school, then went to the supermarket then came home. I drove to pick the children up from school, then drove around in several wrong directions trying to take Nicholai to a bowling alley that he didn’t have an address for. Ugh. We eventually managed to find it and leave him there, driving back home. Then a little bit later I had to drive back to the bowling alley and pick him and drive him home. A little bit after that I had to take Emma and Jericho to hockey training, come home for dinner, go back to hockey training to pick them up…none of this was hard (well, okay, not wanting to hit Nicholai upside the head when he couldn’t give me an address for where he wanted to go was hard) but it just feels like such a chore.

But a lot of things feel like chores at the moment. Actual chores do- I am so tired of doing two or three loads of laundry a day and never ending dishes. Parenting feels like a chore – Soren lost his school jumper and Jericho is so exhausting to deal with at the moment that I’m beginning to lose the words to talk about it. I am just struggling so hard with him – nothing makes him happy and most of what makes him unhappy he seems to lay at my feet like I’m supposed to be able to do something about it…and no, I can’t do anything about a mysterious ache in his leg, or the fact that it’s raining, or that swimming and BTN are part of the school curriculum, or that time runs forward in a linear way and I can’t insert more minutes between tea time and bedtime. He doesn’t accept things- he has to detail exactly how dissatisfied he is with things, even when he knows full well that it can’t be changed, and if we refuse to listen to him then of course we’re all evil and heartless and no one loves him. But even with other things, he just keeps pushing until I have to be the bad guy – like I’ll say what’s for snack and he’ll ask if he can have two, or he’ll ask if he can watch tv and if I say no he’ll immediately ask if he can watch it later, or watch it after tea, or whatever, until he’s forced me to say no enough that he gets to be shitty. I don’t know, it’s all just so hard. And I feel as though I’m doing a very poor job of coping with it – he’s probably not being any more difficult than he usually is, but I’m just not dealing well.

And I feel so awful about even complaining about this, because I know he’s not doing this on purpose- it is hard to be Jericho, and I should be helping him grow and supporting him, not wanting to run away and hide.

Oh, this has been all whining and complaining and I feel worse – how can I expect an eleven year old to handle his angst when I clearly can’t deal with mine?!?!

Thinking of good things…I like this new scarf I’m knitting- both the knitting of it and the resulting object. It’s a relaxing pattern to knit and pretty to look at. And Troy has done our tax return and we’re getting enough of a refund that I can buy a new clothes dryer without bankruptcy breathing down my neck, so that’s good too.