Friday 14th October 2016

Nicholai did his presentation up at the primary school this morning, and it went really well. Sandra was sort of focussing on the idea of using various kinds of media to share your passion or interest with people, so Nicholai talked about his blog and his twitter, and how it allows him to talk about sport as much as he likes, with like-minded people. (Of which I am obviously not one, ha ha ha!) He showed them a few examples of his blog posts, and then showed them his grand final record. He talked about having other people send him facts and trivia via twitter that could go into his blog and record, and about him doing stats for the cricket broadcast and going in to the AFL Footy Record offices. He uses wordpress for his blog, so he talked about that a little bit too, about it being free and easy to set up, and he told them a little bit about his process of writing and researching posts. It honestly was really, really good – he only occasionally went off into a bit of Aspie stimming, or got so involved in the statistics he was talking about that he kind of lost everyone since we couldn’t follow what he was talking about! Sandra was good about getting him back on track, and getting the kids to ask questions. She really is a great teacher. The whole experience was just another one of those times when Nicholai does something that makes me step away from the everyday irritations of him being a teenager, and really see him. There is so much in him to admire, and I will always feel so lucky that I get to be his mum.

I had a long day today though. Andrew, my old boyfriend, messaged me on facebook a couple of weeks ago to say that he was going to be in Melbourne (to run the Melbourne marathon, of all things) and he wanted to see me, to catch up and to talk. There’s a lot more to this, but basically I decided to see him because really, I loved him a lot once and I truly wish him nothing but the best. He was a good guy with a lot of issues that I was too young, naïve and inexperienced to handle, but to this day I think that everything I learned from being in a relationship with him made me so ready to meet Troy and love him and create this life together that we have. And that makes whatever happened before that worth it.

So I had arranged with Andrew to meet him today at Lilydale station at around 10.30. This worked well because I was taking Nicholai up to the primary school first thing in the morning to give his speech about using various media to share his passion with others, but would then be driving him to school just in time to meet Andrew. Of course it didn’t work out this way, as these things never do, so I had to kill a bit of time in Lilydale. It actually turned out for the best though. As I was leaving the primary school I noticed the sole was coming away from Nicholai’s school shoes (WHY wouldn’t he have told me this earlier?!?!?!) so instead of taking him right to school I took him to the shopping centre to buy new shoes. I dropped him off and then had time to walk around Lilydale for a bit, catching pokemon and checking out op shops for books – I found a pony book I don’t have, a fact book for Nicholai and a book about knitting sweaters for dogs, so it really was quite lucky in the end.

I did eventually meet Andrew at the station, and then we came back home. It was such a lovely day (and I didn’t really have any lunch food here) that we walked down to the bakery for lunch. Their food was good, as always, and it was nice to sit outside and catch up. Troy was actually walking around and saw us, so he came over to say hi. Which honestly was weird – I mean they’re very separate in my mind, so to see them sitting there chatting just felt quite odd! Anyway, Troy had to go back to work and Andrew and I walked back home through the park and around town a bit (which was hard work, ha ha ha! I mean, he runs marathons and the most strenuous thing I do is knit, so I was killing myself to keep up!) I took him back to the station in time for me to go and pick the kids up.

It was so good to see him in some ways, but hard in others.  It was hard to have to tell him about my own mental health issues too, and that surprised me. Normally I don’t have any problems telling people about it, and he’s certainly in a place to understand it and not judge me. But talking to him about it made me feel prickly and uncomfortable, and I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe because he knew me in a different time, when I didn’t feel broken, and now I was telling him just how very messy and fucked up I am. Maybe it was just because I was telling him all of it, and all those things still hurt. This monster in my mind that is my bipolar depression is still something I hate – it’s like a faultline running through my life that has caused chaos, and even though I’ve papered over the cracks I know it’s still there.


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