Monday 10th October 2016

The worst thing about the seasonal wardrobe changes (besides the cost of buying new stuff) is that everything is now in a direct hand-me-down chain from Nicholai to Jericho to Soren. Nothing gets stored in between. So I suddenly have all this washing that was Nicholai’s last week and now it’s Jericho’s and I can’t remember who owns what.

Sometimes I think I am an utterly terrible person when it comes to Nicholai. I know that it’s the Aspergers that makes him this way, and there’s really nothing anyone can do about that, but I get so frustrated by the lack of communication between us. I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t talk. God, can he talk! But all he ever does is talk AT me. He is completely blind to my level of interest in what he’s saying, or my efforts at participating in an actual conversation. He doesn’t want my input. He has not the slightest interest in anything I might have to say. He never asks me a question that he doesn’t know the answer to – his questions are all simply designed for me to say “No, what?/I don’t know/Why?/Who?/What do you think?” so he can continue on his lecture. I literally can’t even remember the last time we had an actual reciprocal conversation.

He talks about sports, he talks about politics, he talks sometimes about internet memes, and that’s about it. Any effort at engaging him on a topic that isn’t one of those fails immediately. And even if I try to perhaps talk about something relevant to his interests, he doesn’t actually want to converse about it, he just wants me to shut up so he can talk. I know nothing about him that I don’t read off his facebook – I mean, I don’t know what subjects he’s doing at school and I couldn’t even name ONE kid from his class! He avoids direct questions about things like school that we would like to know about! I am using too many exclamation marks because right now this is making me want to scream!

I don’t know, I really don’t. This is nothing new. I’ve felt like Nicholai views me as a completely lesser being since he was a child, but the older he gets the less the worse it gets. It’s starting to occur to me that he’s going to grow up and leave home and I really think I’ll never hear from him again. Not from any animosity, just because he can’t be bothered using his limited communication skills on me.

He is marginally better with Troy, I guess. Maybe because Troy occasionally likes sports?

And I don’t want anyone telling me it’s just because he is a teenager, because it is NOT. I cannot emphasise enough the lack of true conversation or communication – this is autism and it’s been a long time since I stamped my feet and screamed about the unfairness of it and the goddamn heartbreaking difficulties that comes with parenting that child, but I’m doing it now and you have to give me that.

Anyway, apart from that brief foray into despair, today was pretty good. The weather was weird – really sunny and also pouring with rain at various times. There’s a lot of mess around after yesterday’s gale. We lost half a tree in the backyard (which was dead, it’s not surprising it fell down I guess) and a couple of big chunks of the willow tree, but I’m glad that’s all. Driving to and from school today we saw a LOT of trees down all over the place.

I watched The Conjuring 2 and scared myself shitless this morning, which was quite fun in its own weird way. Troy doesn’t like to watch scary movies with me so I have to watch them on my own. It’s not something I do that often though! I’m alright while I’m watching, I like being scared in the moment, but being on my own in the house afterwards always freaks me out a little bit. Especially since our next door neighbour was periodically hammering/ chopping with an axe all morning which, from our living room anyway, sounded exactly like footsteps coming from the back of the house.

Jericho, Soren and I stopped by the cemetery on the way home from school and did training battles in the pokemon gym there until we levelled up and could add one of ours to it. Part of me felt like it was a bit disrespectful to be playing pokemon in a cemetery, but there wasn’t anyone else there. I wouldn’t have done it if I thought we might be bothering someone, but we just sat down on a little ledge and did battles on my phone. We walked around a little bit afterward, since Jericho had never been in a cemetery and was quite curious. We talked a little bit about why people leave things like football scarves and toys on graves, and about why lots of people think butterflies are messengers from their dead loved ones, which was quite an interesting conversation.

Troy had to go into the city today for a superannuation thing, so he brought pizza home for tea. We watched a couple of episodes of the Wonder Years while we ate – it keeps making me think of my niece Winnie every time Kevin talks about Winnie Cooper.

Soren and Jericho enjoying reading before bed in the blackout yesterday.

Soren and Jericho enjoying reading before bed in the blackout yesterday.

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