Tuesday 14th June 2016

I drove home in the early evening tonight, and it was one of those times when it’s so beautiful here that it doesn’t even seem real. Golden sunlight, the whole sky just purple and pink over the blue hills, and all you can do is look at it and think how lucky I am that this is home.

You know, I never watch the news and I hardly ever read the paper. It feels like a weakness (and I realise it’s the height of privilege that I can close my eyes to these bad things) but it has such a negative effect on my anxiety that I continue to avoid it. But then there are things like this mass shooting in America that demand acknowledgement, and I don’t know how the world can be so beautiful and so terrible at the same time. How do I live in a world where things like that happen? How can I comprehend a world in which enough people have so little compassion, so little kindness and understanding that a man like Donald Trump can have the support that he does? How do I prepare my kids for a world where these things are possible?

It’s easy to say that it’s all just America, it’s not happening here and it would never happen here. But these are just people making these choices, and human nature is the same everywhere. Every person has to make that choice as to what they believe in, what they feel and want for the world, and some of the choices people make are terrifying.

I guess the little bubble I live in has cracks in it today. At least I know enough now to recognise the signs that things are not going quite as well as I would like! I’m not feeling sad or depressed and I’m still functioning perfectly well, but my anxiety is making itself felt. It is harder than normal to see Troy and the children go out of my sight and not spend the rest of the day afraid that they’re going to die, which is the lovely compulsive thought pattern I get stuck in! Oh well, like I said, at least I know enough to recognise this as an issue to watch, and if things don’t improve I know what I will need to do.

On an unrelated and much more positive note, I sucked it up and weighed myself today. I needed a number for the end of my Light and Easy time, and since I’ll no longer be eating a calorie controlled diet I pretty much have to get over myself and weigh myself regularly to keep tabs on my progress. (Or lack of progress, but I’m being hopeful here!) Anyway, in my nine weeks on Light and Easy I have lost 7.2 kilograms. (Which is 15lbs and 14 oz – I converted this just because it sounds like more, ha ha ha!)

Apart from angsting and being happy over losing weight, I did some of my planning today (making a worksheet about pets for the grade 1/2 class) and did some knitting (on the hat for Sue, I’ve finished the ribbing and done a couple of cable rows, double checking which way I’m crossing them this time!) I also finally got around to washing my handknitted cardigan in conditioner in a last ditch attempt to make it non-itchy. I used Pantene, if anything can make a difference I’m sure that can. I also went shopping with Emma, Jericho and Soren after school, since Emma sent me a text message telling me she needed new school shoes, accompanied by a photograph of the broken shoe. In case I didn’t believe her, or what? Unbelievably, we found the shoes she wanted reduced from $50 to $15, and of the only three pairs they had left one of them was actually her size. When does that ever happen? I couldn’t believe that we could be so lucky. So we picked up those and some black furry slippers for her and then came home.

Nicholai finished his writing folio for school today, so I read his essays. He wrote a creative piece on ‘The Benefits of being Dead’, an article on ‘The Great Emu War of 1932’ and an informative piece on Paavo Nurmi, the Flying Finn. There really are no words to describe his talent. It’s not exactly that I ever forget how clever he is, but at the same time he’s just Nicholai and I don’t spend every day feeling in awe of him! But then something comes up, like reading his writing folio today, and it hits me all over again how utterly brilliant he really is. It’s almost unnerving to realise again how rare, and how completely extraordinary, his combination of intellect and creativity really is, and to contemplate the limitless potential of his future.

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