Tuesday 17 May 2016

Well, it’s good that yesterday was nice, because today really came up and kicked me in the teeth.

Things went downhill when I weighed myself. I did this because I had a psychiatrist appointment and she always comments on my ‘fitness’ (ie weight) so I thought it would be nice to be able to tell her that I’m being proactive and working on my diet and have lost weight. Except that my weight has barely changed at all since the last time I weighed myself two weeks ago.

I pretty much fell apart at that point. I mean, I have found this really, really hard, but I’ve pushed myself to follow it properly and apart from the Mother’s Day chocolates I have been rigid about not cheating, and now I find out that it’s barely making any difference. I just felt so hopeless, like there was no point at all in any of it, that I’m making myself miserable for no real reason. And if I can’t lose weight when I’m on a strict 1200 calories a day that someone else counts out for me, how on earth am I meant to lose any weight when I have to do it on my own? So basically there was a lot of ugly crying and wailing to Troy that I’m wasting all our money and that none of it will ever make any difference.

Although after all that, the first thing the psychiatrist said to me was, “You’ve lost weight?” So I suppose I ought to be grateful that the insignificant amount of weight that I’ve lost appears to have been lost from my face.

Anyway, after that appointment (which was good, I’m managing fine so we’re keeping the meds as is and I don’t have to go back for three months) I thought I may as well go to Costco since I was down that way. I spent close to an hour filling up my trolley, and then had my card declined when I went to pay. It was both incredibly embarrassing and incredibly frustrating as I tried to work out what was going on, but the upshot of it all was that I had to just apologise profusely and leave the full trolley there for someone to put it all back.

So I pretty much cried half the way home, and then because everything just seemed impossible to deal with I bought M&Ms and ate them for lunch. It was pathetic and childish and I didn’t even care.

I don’t know. Really I shouldn’t be surprised that the weightloss is so slow. All the reasons that contributed to me getting this fat in the first place, like the PCOS and the medication, are still there, and even with perfect diet and exercise these things make me resistant to losing weight. It’s just so demoralising, and I really wanted to give up today, especially after my card was declined because we have no money left after paying for this diet.

Troy has convinced me to stick with it for the ten weeks we originally planned for though, and see what has happened by the end of that. I’m not hopeful, but I guess we’ll see. I am also wondering if I should go back to the doctor and ask about renewing my prescription for Metformin. The endocrinologist put me on that ages ago, and while I was taking it and doing the low-carb diet I actually did lose weight. I stopped taking it last year because my prescription ran out and I was too deep in my depression to even think about dealing with it, and it was after that that my weight really increased. Of course this was in combination with crazy depression and ridiculous amounts of sleep and a reliance on comfort food and a whole bunch of medication, so who knows what was really responsible? Anyway, I actually need to talk to the GP about my liver specialist referral (as in, has she done one) so I may as well make an appointment and talk about the diet and the weight with her.

And, that’s about all for my crappy day – I’m going to watch Seven Year Switch and hope that they have all left their shitty relationships, and do some knitting on the new beanie I started, and hopefully cheer up a bit.

4 thoughts on “Tuesday 17 May 2016

  1. Please don’t give up!! Even if the weight isn’t coming off quickly, eating healthier will be making a difference on the inside!! The outside will follow.
    You have put in lots of hard work, I hope you can stick with it. But totally understand how sucky today was!!!
    xoxo

  2. What a blah day. I really think the weight will come off gradually but hopefully in the long run you will just start feeling better from having such a healthy diet. And I dont know, sometimes I just think the weight on a scale is not the be all and end all in weight loss. Your psychiatrist mentioned thought you looked different and you probably do. I hope you feel a bit better and stay on track, you are stronger than you think you are. xoxox
    Love Elle.
    Ps maybe to cheer yourself up you should watch some inbetweeners!! totally crass but also totally brilliant!!

    • I can’t believe I never knew you liked the Inbetweeners…you are right that it is crass! It’s a show that I always feel guilty about laughing at, but I just it’s hilarious!
      Today I have just shrugged my shoulders and gone back to my diet. It can only do what it’s going to do – I just have to trust that it will all work out in the end.

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