I ordered my meals for my first week of Lite and Easy last night. I’m actually feeling very anxious about the whole thing. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling to actually confront the reality of my weight and the reality of what I’m going to have to do about it. There’s a certain level of delusion possible when I put my efforts into ignoring it, but in order to do something about it I have to be honest with myself and that’s kind of hard. I really AM that overweight and there is no easy way out of this. I have to look at where I am and where I need to go and do whatever it takes to get there.
Committing to doing something is hard and scary though, because once I start trying to do something then I can fail. I want this, and I know other people want this for me and are going to be supporting me in trying, but there are no guarantees and right now my fear of failure feels a whole lot bigger than anything else. I’m so scared that I’m just setting myself up for a whole big pile of fail and my self-esteem taking another beating, and I don’t think I can deal with that.
I also feel so much pressure to succeed because this matters, in more ways than just wanting to fit into my jeans again. This endlessly creeping weight gain is playing havoc with my health, and some of the negative effects are going to be permanent if I don’t change something. But the combination of my mental health and my physical health both being all messed up makes this feel so overwhelming. I know I have to do something…but what if this doesn’t work?
I guess I have to just stop thinking about it. It’s a situation where obsessing over my fear of failure isn’t going to help at all – I do not find that motivating. And the whole point of Lite and Easy (rather than making my own eating plan) is that I don’t have to think about it. If I eat what I’m given and don’t cheat I should lose weight. If I throw in a little bit of exercise here and there I might lose more.
What I want from the ten weeks I’ve committed to Lite and Easy is to make a start on the weight loss, and to gain a little confidence in my own ability to do what I have to do to keep it going after that until I’m at a healthy place. That’s what I am hoping to get from the program, and regardless of the actual number of kilos lost, I will think of it as a success if I achieve those two things.