Saturday 27th February 2016

It’s Nicholai’s birthday today and the (not so) little bear turned fourteen. That is just…he’s closer to being eighteen than he is to being ten, and my mind just can’t seem to come to grips with the enormity of it.

I kept looking at him today and thinking about how it was, and how things are now, and just how he has always been so extraordinary. In all honesty I have to admit now that deliberately setting out to make a baby when we did, when I had a degree and half a diploma and no job and Troy had no degree and a job he hated, was crazy reckless. We wanted a baby and wanted to be a family, but we never bargained on getting a Nicholai. There was no way we were prepared for what being his parents was going to be like, there was no way we could have known.

But I’m so glad we took that chance, because here we are fourteen years later and it has all worked out so perfectly. Nicholai has been a gift and a blessing and I can’t imagine a world without him. I am so grateful for every single chance that lined up just right to put this child in my arms, and I love that I have had the privilege of watching him grow and being his mother.

Today I looked at him and even though it was silly, I missed him. I missed that baby, that toddler, that little boy… I thought about how hard it was sometimes, and how much he struggled and how scared I was of the future. And then I looked at him as he is now and I’m so proud of who he’s become and of the adult that he’s going to be. Everything we went through has led to now, and now is pretty damn amazing.

I don’t know what he’ll do in the future. I look back on a thousand moments of love and joy and pain, but there are thousands more that he has yet to live and they’re all wide open for him. I truly believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to.

Sometimes, I just can’t believe I got so lucky.

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