Thursday 26 November 2015

I had another psychiatrist appointment today. I’m probably their most regular customer at the moment, even the girls on the desk recognise me and are quite solicitous about me.

Anyway, she’s still following up the process for me getting ECT through the public health system. I can pretty much say with certainty that if you want mental health services, you want to have private hospital cover and extras and everything, because it’s all waiting lists and thousands of appointments with different people to get anywhere without it. I think that unfortunately the sort of private insurance that would be good here would require me to sell a child.

I still don’t know what I think about the ECT though, especially as I feel as though I’m moving into a more grey area of needing it. I’m so torn and anxious about what to do. This has been going on so long. I know the thing to do is just follow the process and see where we end up- I can always say no at any point if I start feeling better, and if I don’t feel better then I guess that’s where we are. I am just no good at relaxing about what might happen in my future though, and all the worrying is probably making everything worse.

It’s all complicated by it being an inpatient thing too. This makes it both better and worse on several counts. Better – I get a break from home and won’t have to deal with the kids during it, I’ll only have to think about myself and focus on what’s going on, I won’t be stressing the kids out by being groggy or out of it at home, Troy won’t have to juggle work appointments around appointments for me. Worse – I’ll be away from the kids which will stress them out and worry me, I’ll be away from home and not doing what I do here (limited as this may be, I still do stuff), it’s a time of year with heaps going on, and of course if I’m inpatient this means they’re zapping my brain which still scares the hell out of me. So, you know, pros and cons.

I may be worrying about nothing. I may see this next doctor and they may say that I’m doing okay, I’m functional enough to not meet their criteria and good luck to me. Which would at least solve the problem of me having to be the one to decide I suppose.

At least two things got done this week. Emma had an orthodontist appointment yesterday and he said she’s nearly done with the expander in her mouth. She got it put in just before Christmas last year, so it’s been about a year. I don’t know what we do with her teeth after this though, if she keeps the braces in or what, I guess we’ll find that out as we go along. Her next appointment is booked for January, it’s my first 2016 appointment I’ll have to write in the calendar.

All of the boys got haircuts this afternoon too. Thank goodness, as they were all looking incredibly disreputable and scruffy (as was evidenced rather horribly in the photos I took on Sunday in the city.) Nicholai didn’t get as much cut off as I would have liked, but the other two boys did. They all look so much better, and at least that’s a job that won’t have to be done again until just before they start school next year.

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