One of the hardest things I struggle with in regards to my bipolar is the sense of guilt. The fact is that the way I am impacts my family so much, and in so many ways it’s not what I want for them.
I know, intellectually, that it’s not my fault. It is what it is. Everyone has their own things to deal with, and the children will grow up and hopefully flourish despite everything. They will eventually understand the whys of how things sometimes are, and they’ll forgive me for it not being perfect because life is never perfect. I know all that.
But then the depression comes back and my mind turns dark and the guilt moves in, heavy and solid and choking. It’s not the kind of guilt that motivates you to do better, it’s the kind of guilt that petrifies you and makes you feel as though there is nothing for you but hopelessness.
Depression lies. I know that. I know that the thoughts in my head that taunt me about being so useless, and tell me that I’m ruining my relationship and Troy and he’s going to get sick of it one day and leave me and the children will never understand that I did the best I could, they are lying thoughts. They tell me that it’s always going to be like this, that I am always going to be like this, that any of the children could have that ticking time bomb inside them and one day it will go off and they will suffer and it will be all my fault. None of that is true, but it’s so hard sometimes to make it through the day when you have to fight it off.
I feel so guilty over all the responsibilities that get heaped on Troy. There are days when I dwell on it and by the time I’ve stewed over it long enough I’m convinced he can’t possibly be willing to live like this and he’s going to leave me and take the kids with him, and I’ll wind up living alone in a single room in a halfway house or something. This is some of the more stupid stuff I worry about, because the truth is that Troy is pretty well rock solid. I hardly ever write about our relationship in here because I don’t know how to say how good it is without sounding either smug or fake or both. We literally never fight and he’s my best friend and the person I most want to hang out with in the world.
Anyway, I don’t know what I expect to happen by writing this out. It’s just that it sometimes helps it to make sense when I write it.
I saw Catherine today, which was surprisingly nice. Unfortunately her work hours have changed and she can’t do craft anymore. This is like my only social thing, so that’s a real bummer. We got to catch up today because one of her shifts had been cancelled, that’s the only reason she had time. We went to the chocolate factory, which was such a huge treat- we both ate brownies and talked a lot, and then went for a walk to look at all the decorated kangaroos.
The kids are all good. We read in the high school newsletter today that Nicholai scored in the top 5% of Australia in the Logical Thinking Challenge, which was run by Melbourne University and North Shore Coaching College. This is the kind of thing that is so frustrating about that child! If we hadn’t read the newsletter we would never have known that he’d done so well! When we asked him about it he just said, “Oh yeah, that.” He just has no idea what kind of things Troy and I would find interesting to know!