I’ve got a job.
Things at the school have come together and I’m going to be teaching Indonesian to all the kids, starting as soon as possible. It’s going to be half hour lessons at first, so two hours a week. Maybe some paid prep time, I’m not sure. On Fridays, so Soren is already organised with crèche.
It’s really rather perfect. I’ll be introducing the language at the school so all the kids are starting at the same level, and although there are obviously no resources available yet I will have the freedom to devise the curriculum and will be able to buy things to go along with that at some point. Two hours is going to be easy to manage, and that time will likely increase in the future as the numbers increase and they add other classes, or we lengthen the lessons for the older children. It also gets me back in a classroom and school setting so I can learn about how things are run at the moment, and will also probably offer opportunities for relief work or extra teaching time in the future, once all my little ones are at school and I’m looking for that.
Now if I can only focus on that and not let this damn anxiety get the better of me! Despite the fact that I wanted this job so much, now that it’s happening I am completely and utterly terrified. Today I was just a mess, seriously feeling nauseous and on the brink of tears all day, every time I even thought of it. How on earth am I going to do this? I’ve never even been to Indonesia! I’ve never been a proper teacher with a job!
I think I’m also fretting over making the change from being a parent to being staff. There are lots of positive things about taking this scary step in a familiar environment that I know is supportive, but there is also the other side. I mean, these teachers have seen me for years as the kids’ mother- I’ve been a scruffy mum with a rumpled ponytail and a baby on my hip who keeps forgetting to send back the permission forms and uniform orders for a long time now! Last year I sat in the staff room and couldn’t even look them in the eye as I cried and mumbled explanations about my crippling depression and the way it was affecting the kids. I am uncertain of what their perception of me really is now, and how to balance being a fellow professional and a mother at the same time.
It will work out. I will make it work out- I need to remember that I studied for this, I wanted this and I can do it. It’s going to be great.