Project 365 – Day 096

Day 096 - Rainbow loom bracelets.

Emma and I went through all the rainbow loom bracelets we could find and sorted them out into different types before she gave them away to her friends. She’s much better than I am at identifying the patterns, I have to say! It’s a bit of a product of my depressive episode, this obsessive and somewhat excessive production of rubber band bracelets, but I don’t think that’s too bad. Emma’s friends at school are all enjoying the bounty anyway- now that holidays are over she’s giving away handfuls of them every day.

Wednesday 23rd April 2014

I saved a turtle today. He was in the middle of the road, all curled up in his shell, just being repeatedly run over by cars. No one had actually squashed him yet, just driven over the top with him between the tyres, but it was only a matter of time. So I pulled over on the side of the road and picked him up. He was all dried out and dusty, but he moved when I gave him a hesitant prod (very hesitant- I was scared he was dead and I’d be touching a dead thing) so I put him on the floor of the car and drove him home.

He popped himself out and walked around in the car a bit while I was driving, and when I got home I put him in the baby bath with some water. He quite perked up after that and he was so cute with his little beady eyes and claws. I thought Steve and Jean’s dam would be a good home for him, but I knew the kids would love to help so I put him in a bucket and took him with me to pick the kids up from school, and we stopped by the dam on the way home. The kids all had a good look and then we put him down in the mud at the edge and watched him swim away. It was very cute, although I admit I kept hearing Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpsons in my head with his “If I don’t save the wee turtles, who will? Save me from the wee turtles!”

I went to the psychiatrist today. It was fine- keep doing what I’m doing, there’s still a couple of weeks for the medication to reach its full effectiveness so hang in there, do what I can when I can and focus on getting back to normal.

Totally awkward though, as there was another school mum in the waiting room filing out the new patient form as I was paying and making a new appointment before I left. It was really unexpected (for both of us) so we were all just “Oh hi…umm…” Because of course the next logical question is “What are you doing all this way from home?” but we’re in the waiting room of a psychiatric consulting clinic and really, no one wants to have that conversation.

I went to Costco on the way home. I hadn’t made a list so it was a bit random, but I got yoghurt and milk and juice at any rate. I always feel like a tiny person at Costco, because their trolleys are so big and I have to use two hands to pick up half the groceries. I have to laugh though, the juice we buy at Costco has a drawing of a freckled kid with a straw hat and overalls on it, and because of this the kids call it Hillbilly Juice. It cracks me up every time any of them asks, in all seriousness, “Can I have some hillbilly juice for breakfast please?” so I was kind of laughing to myself in Costco as I was hauling boxes of it into the trolley.

Tuesday 22nd April 2014

Soren got invited to two birthday parties today. One is in two weeks so I think he can go to that, but the other one is this Saturday, when we’ll be going to Rhiannon’s wedding. We told him this, and said that a wedding was like a party and he’d have a good time with his cousins anyway. He started crying because “they don’t give out party bags at weddings! And the last party I went to didn’t have a party bag either!” Clearly lolly bags are important to the child.

The kids went back to school today. They were all happy about this, especially Nicholai and Emma who finally got to move into their new classrooms today. Since I didn’t take them to school at all in the last week of last term I hadn’t been up there for over three weeks- it was definitely weird for me this morning.

I’m okay, still just muddling along. The quiet today was lovely and relaxing though, so that was good. I watched a couple of episodes of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries and made four new types of rainbow loom bracelets. You might think I’d be running out of new patterns, but no. Bless all those little twelve years olds spending hours inventing bracelets and making youtube tutorials!

At least with the kids going back to school we’ll get rid of some of our collection of bracelets- Emma took a handful with her today and all the girls in her class were thrilled to choose one. She’s going to take some more tomorrow, and Jericho chose three to give to his particular friends in his class.

I also took a bath in the middle of the day today, which felt weirdly decadent. It was so nice and relaxing though, and I did actually spend part of my time in there thinking about things I need to do and how I might start to organise and run my life. So that was probably good. I’ve got a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, so I don’t know if she’ll make any changes to my medication, but after that I guess I just have to try and get back to normal.

On a completely different note, Jericho crushed the recycling for me again today. This is his favourite job- he jumps on all the cans (or crushes them with bricks) and then he lines up all the milk boxes and plastic bottles with their lids loosened so much that when he jumps on the bottles the lids fly off up the driveway. This is a competition, and he always invites me out to watch whether milk or soda bottle or juice bottle will win for the day. I also realised today that any glass bottle (like a beer bottle or an oil bottle) is apparently the judge, and he sits it up carefully on the bluestone garden edging. Over Easter he also wrote a comic about an egg that goes and visits some Easter eggs- it’s hilarious. He can be so creative and funny sometimes.

Emma wanted to take some photos of all our different bracelets, so here is a bit of a sample of some of them.

Sunday 20th April 2014

Happy Easter! We broke with tradition today and, instead of only chocolate, the Easter bunny brought a few small eggs and a gift for the children. The gift was two playsets for the Disney Infinity Wii game, which I bought on special so they were basically only a little more expensive than buying each of them a big chocolate egg. I figured less chocolate wouldn’t hurt them, and a few extra characters and playset pieces for the Wii will give them something fun to do for the rest of the holidays. So far today the kids seem to approve of this.

We had an Easter egg hunt over at Steve on Jean’s on Friday, and the kids got a lot of eggs from that anyway. It was quite fun, the kids made Easter baskets out of paper plates while Troy and Brett and Adam hid the eggs all around the dam. The kids did their hunt, collecting the eggs and putting them all together into the big basket to be shared out equally. We also had a bonfire and ate tea down at the dam while the kids played around and then had sparklers and toasted marshmallows. Everyone had fun.

Well, I suppose everyone had fun except me. I was too edgy and tense and anxious to get into any of it. I’m really not doing brilliantly at the moment. It’s difficult, because I’m much better than I was, but it’s still not like I’m back to normal and I don’t know to fix it. I don’t know how to describe it, I don’t know what things are clinically significant and what things aren’t. It’s hard to know whether this is as good as I should expect it to be right now and I just have to hang in there and it will improve, or if this is wrong and it should be better.

Probably part of it is that I’m trying to get back into normal life. I mean, I completely dropped everything for a little while, and now I’m trying to pick up the pieces of doing the regular household chores. But I’m not coping very well with the idea of all these responsibilities that I ‘have’ to do, and that leads me off into thoughts of how these responsibilities will only be added to once the kids go back to school. Then I will have to take care of school stuff too, and I’ll have to teach and have that prepared and that just makes me panic.

I guess I’m impatient with my own frailties. All the books talk about a kind of ‘recovery’ period from a depressive episode and I suppose that’s what I’m in, but I’m struggling to cope with it. This is one time when a drive for perfectionism and pig-headed stubbornness don’t mean anything- they can’t do anything to hurry it along, and in fact can only be a negative influence as I keep judging myself harshly for things I can’t help.

The other thing is that when it comes to the kids, there’s not really any way to take it easy. I’m their mother and what they need from me I have to give them, and it doesn’t matter how hard it is for me at any given time. I’m already worried enough about the long term effects on them of everything that’s going on with me. I mean, there’s nothing I can do except keep on doing what I have been doing, and hope it all turns out okay in the end.

These photos are all from the egg hunt and bonfire on Friday.


Wednesday 16th April 2014

It was holiday movie day today. Troy took the day off from work and he and I took all the kids to see the Lego movie. The kids all loved it, Soren told me it was the best movie he’d ever seen, so far. For some reason he really stressed that it was only the best movie he’d seen “so far”…clearly he’s expecting something better will come along.

It made the day go quite fast, going to the movies. We picked Emma up from her sleepover beforehand, then went to the movies, had a late lunch, and then the kids filled in the afternoon doing their usual afternoon activities of Wii/ computer/ tablet. I got some new rubber bands in the post so we were all back to rainbow looming with a vengeance. I fell asleep this afternoon while I was reading, which I’m trying not to do, but I was so tired.

Troy and I have to organise Easter stuff. I’ve just realised that it’s this weekend and we don’t have anything yet. I’ve got a psychologist appointment tomorrow afternoon, so maybe I’ll go after that if not too shattered, or Troy will have to go out tomorrow night.