Happy Easter! We broke with tradition today and, instead of only chocolate, the Easter bunny brought a few small eggs and a gift for the children. The gift was two playsets for the Disney Infinity Wii game, which I bought on special so they were basically only a little more expensive than buying each of them a big chocolate egg. I figured less chocolate wouldn’t hurt them, and a few extra characters and playset pieces for the Wii will give them something fun to do for the rest of the holidays. So far today the kids seem to approve of this.
We had an Easter egg hunt over at Steve on Jean’s on Friday, and the kids got a lot of eggs from that anyway. It was quite fun, the kids made Easter baskets out of paper plates while Troy and Brett and Adam hid the eggs all around the dam. The kids did their hunt, collecting the eggs and putting them all together into the big basket to be shared out equally. We also had a bonfire and ate tea down at the dam while the kids played around and then had sparklers and toasted marshmallows. Everyone had fun.
Well, I suppose everyone had fun except me. I was too edgy and tense and anxious to get into any of it. I’m really not doing brilliantly at the moment. It’s difficult, because I’m much better than I was, but it’s still not like I’m back to normal and I don’t know to fix it. I don’t know how to describe it, I don’t know what things are clinically significant and what things aren’t. It’s hard to know whether this is as good as I should expect it to be right now and I just have to hang in there and it will improve, or if this is wrong and it should be better.
Probably part of it is that I’m trying to get back into normal life. I mean, I completely dropped everything for a little while, and now I’m trying to pick up the pieces of doing the regular household chores. But I’m not coping very well with the idea of all these responsibilities that I ‘have’ to do, and that leads me off into thoughts of how these responsibilities will only be added to once the kids go back to school. Then I will have to take care of school stuff too, and I’ll have to teach and have that prepared and that just makes me panic.
I guess I’m impatient with my own frailties. All the books talk about a kind of ‘recovery’ period from a depressive episode and I suppose that’s what I’m in, but I’m struggling to cope with it. This is one time when a drive for perfectionism and pig-headed stubbornness don’t mean anything- they can’t do anything to hurry it along, and in fact can only be a negative influence as I keep judging myself harshly for things I can’t help.
The other thing is that when it comes to the kids, there’s not really any way to take it easy. I’m their mother and what they need from me I have to give them, and it doesn’t matter how hard it is for me at any given time. I’m already worried enough about the long term effects on them of everything that’s going on with me. I mean, there’s nothing I can do except keep on doing what I have been doing, and hope it all turns out okay in the end.
These photos are all from the egg hunt and bonfire on Friday.